


Nefarious

by xuhei



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Crushes!!, F/M, Junhoe and jay are rlly good best friends, but hey, lol angsty bois, mention of kinda cheating, mention of sexual activities but none is actually described, not really they're not together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 23:13:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16356119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuhei/pseuds/xuhei
Summary: This is bad. This is really, really bad. Sleeping with someone random was bad, lest it be for you and Bobby technically not being together. No, you’re not seeing each other anymore and there’s no relationship ties after yesterday but that’s his friend. They were closer than you were to any of your friends. It’s Hanbin.





	Nefarious

**Author's Note:**

> haha hi everyone thank you for patiently waiting for me to FINALLY write something longer than 5k. it took me ages bc I had to get back into writing properly and I am kinda ashamed this isn't as good as it could have been but I am starting to lose interest in the plot a little so I wanted to get it to where I kinda wanted it to be. 
> 
> so yeah, excuse if it's really bad. I'm trying sis

Do you know that feeling when you wake up before your alarm?

It can be five minutes, even twenty seconds before it goes off, but there is something so _appealing_ about being able to shut your eyes one more time and have that little bit extra sleep. Maybe even just having a moment to lay there and feel the softness of your blankets with your head supported by the pillow.

You’re sure most people have caught onto the trick of setting another alarm to get the same effect - _kind of,_ it’s a bit more forced when it’s a blaring alarm sound from your shitty phone which you’ve thrown against the wall a few billion times. People just liked to live in some kind of luxury from time to time.

That feeling, however, was not coming today.

You hadn’t set an alarm at all last night, despite it being a Tuesday and knowing you had work today.

Because you’re stupid maybe.

Most definitely stupid.

When other people have fights with their boyfriends they go to their girl friend’s places, cry and shout a little and maybe give a few wine-induced texts in their boyfriend’s way.

A less common way to approach it is to drop everything you had to do, cry in the car and end up back in your own bed, lights still on and curtains not drawn. Sounds great, right? Well, it is. Just until you turn around and realise that you’re shitty fight-night was not spent alone.

“What the…” your eyes widen at the shuffling of covers and you pull your hands to your mouth to shut yourself up. You sit up fully, using the covers to shield your body from anyone who may have been here too. What? You can’t take chances. “Who the _fuck_?”

Part of your hopes it’s your boyfriend. You really, _really_ do. As much as you want to shake the body next to you and be like _so we made up did we_ , there’s something about the situation which makes you think that’s definitely not Bobby.

It’s too quiet, there’s too many covers and he _always_ turns the lights off because he can’t sleep when there’s too much light.

Part of you wishes you’d have just woke up somewhere else now.

Convincing yourself that you should _try_ to sort out some of this situation now, you move carefully to the edge of the bed and pick up your dress from yesterday. It smells like alcohol and body spray, cheap alcohol at best, but it will do in some coverage before you run to the bathroom and consider how you were going to get yourself out of this one.

Because you’re not a bad person.

You and Bobby had fought once before and _you_ apologised to him when really it was him in the wrong, he even said a few days later. When that happened all you did was cry in his bathroom for ten minutes because he was _really_ harsh with his words and then realised maybe you were just as bad.

No, you weren’t, Bobby was always mad when he got angry. His eyes would be red and he’d say anything that came to mind even if he didn’t mean it. Like, for example, the final straw yesterday afternoon.

_You’d be nothing here without me._

Oh, because _you’re the head of legal for YG are you Bobby? You gave me this job here did you Bobby? You think you’re so important Bobby?_

All you managed to say was _fine._ It was easier to walk away from him and act like he didn’t exist then to argue with him anymore.

Two _big_ fights in three years. Anyone would be jealous.

Jay and Junhoe were, actually. They stopped you once and (despite the fact Junhoe admitted maybe _he_ would have asked you out if Bobby hadn’t have beat him to it, which you never mentioned again) told you that they envied your relationship with Bobby. It set a great example for Hanbin, too. You hoped. Maybe not.

Somewhere inside of you there is some courage to see who it is beside you. Unfortunately (but fortunately in some ways) you’re unable to find the courage and instead end up running straight to the bathroom and closing the door gently, locking it straight after. Ten minutes and you’ll check. Ten minutes and you’ll look a touch better, feel a touch better and want to _die_ a little less. All you have to do is check your phone for any messages and make sure that you didn’t post anything stupid.

Yeah, your phone… which is sitting under your pillow as you stare at the locked door. Great, way to go. Now you can’t check.

It’s fine, though. You run some water into the sink and splash the lukewarm liquid mixed with a little bit of face wash onto your face. You lean over the water for a moment as you exhale heavily. _What the fuck even happened?_

You remember Bobby telling you to end it if you were going to walk away like that. You said fine, _again,_ and thus walked away to your office and sat there for almost an hour staring at a screen wanting to scream in anger. You heard Jay was looking for you and decided that you didn’t need a lecture from him today and left quickly, opting to work from the main office for the last three hours of the day - or until you physically passed out from exhaustion.

Then you went to your car, stared at the steering wheel for about ten minutes as a few sad songs came on shuffle and then Hanbin knocked on your window and _luckily_ your sunglasses kept him from seeing that you’d been bawling your eyes out. Kind of, because he still asked if you were okay.

You’d somehow taken up Hanbin’s offer to make you feel better and ended up halfway across Seoul, forgetting who you were within four of the strong drinks he kept handing you. Hanbin was the last one you remembered. Hanbin was the last _face_ you remembered.

It wouldn’t be Hanbin. You can be stupid but _dear god_ you’re not that stupid. Not that stupid sober. Hopefully not that stupid drunk. _Probably_ that stupid drunk.

_Holy shit it’s Hanbin._

You try to tell yourself it could be some random guy that you picked up off the street but you _knew_ Hanbin, a bit too well sometimes - he wouldn’t leave you to walk home on your own or with some random guy without his own DBS check. Drunk or not.

This is bad. This is really, _really_ bad. Sleeping with someone random was bad, lest it be for you and Bobby technically not being together. No, you’re not _seeing_ each other anymore and there’s no relationship ties after yesterday but that’s his _friend._ They were closer than you were to any of your friends. It’s _Hanbin._

It was becoming a bit more obvious why people did the disappearing act after a one night stand now. It was hard to disappear from your own place in the middle of the morning, already late for work, but at the very least if you left now then Hanbin might think you ditched him there because he was drunk. He’d have to be beyond drunk to agree to whatever happened, much like you.

So that’s exactly what you do.

It kills you inside to grab everything, call for a cab and spend the ride doing your makeup to make yourself more pleasant. It was easier, but there would be more questions later.

Who are you kidding? A career in the legal field was made up of thinking on your feet. You’d cover this all up and act like it never happened. For Bobby and Hanbin’s sake. Not for your own. You’d just have to hope Bobby and Hanbin would unknowingly follow the plan you’d devised but not saying a word to each other or possibly wanting to get back with you at some point.

But what _really_ goes your way these days?

•~•~•~•

Your desk provides a good cover for most of the day. You’d told your line manager, Kassy,  you had some off site errands to run and thank god she believed you because most of the time you’re reliable. Plus, you could stay late tonight and avoid any and all people on the way out.

Thinking on your feet, good going so far.

Luckily enough, your desk is also at the back of the office so you can check anyone who comes in and see if they’re looking for you. This is working so far, because the one close call you had was one of the group managers who was looking for Kassy would most certainly report your last known position to anyone who would want to know.

Maybe you’re being paranoid, but anyone who hasn’t been friends with Junhoe or Jay wouldn’t understand.  

“Are you busy?” Haeun asks. She sits across the room from you usually, but since there’s some free desks around you she’s chosen to sit beside you.

She wasn’t in yesterday, or she would have been your shoulder to cry on. Call it even for when she broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago and came into work looking like death so you helped her out. Haeun was nice, she was a friend in your eyes.

“Kinda,” you tell her. She might have noticed you staring at a blank screen for ten minutes earlier, which would ruin your alibi. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s a governance meeting I’m meant to be in but I really need to finish this. I said I’d cover Kassy but I have a billion other things I promised her. Can you go for me? It’s the easiest thing I have to do. I won’t ask you for anything else over the next few weeks, I promise.”

You stare blankly at her for a few seconds. “I think you need to stop making promises to people.”

“Is that a yes?”

“It’s a _not in a billion years_ ,” you tell her, “those meetings are hell. Everyone just updated you in what they’re doing and I would rather choke. Give me some paperwork or something else to do, I’d rather that.”

She pouts a little, looking down to her phone to check the time. “I have a freedom of information request due today which I have no information for. I’ll go to the meeting if you want to spend an hour on the phone talking to Lim Chunhei about finance.”

“I would definitely rather do that.” You pick up your phone and find her number on the corporate phone book to dial. “I’ll call her right now and she’ll tell me everything I need, thank you.”

“You only like her because she thinks the sun shines out of your—”

“Go to your meeting, I’ll sort it out,” you tell her, glaring harshly.

 _Oh_ how easy talking to Chunhei is compared to talking to anyone else. Fortunately enough you had _used_ to organise every freedom of information request for the company but they had _technically_ promoted you to sorting out the legal queries once you had passed your relevant exams. You’d managed to have a pretty good relationship with most managers, associate directors and all the way to executive directors in the company.

Which is why, ten minutes later you’re in Chunhei’s office against your will having tea and a _catch up._

It was fine, surprisingly enough you were one of the only people to like Chunhei, but her office was on the first floor. To get to it from your office on floor three you would have to walk _straight_ past a practice room and one of the _many_ recording studios in this building.

If you didn’t know your luck already, then you wouldn’t have known that it was _fate_ for you to catch eyes with Junhoe as you were walking past just as he was coming out of a doorway. If you hadn’t have run down the corridor and slammed Chunhei’s door shut then he would have caught you and you’d have had to speak to him about _something._

And that something was _very_ likely to be _where the hell is Hanbin, why does it say he’s at your place on snapmaps_?

If you knew Hanbin was appearing at your place on snapmaps, then Junhoe probably knew and Bobby _definitely_ knew.

Fortunately, though, you manage to escape back to the second floor in the lift which has no one else in it. The second floor is as far as you get, because you end up spotting Yunhyeong and whilst making an attempt to run in the other direction, you catch Jay staring right at you.

Staying in that office was never easy enough, was it?

•~•~•~•

“You’ve been avoiding us all day,” Junhoe states, sitting on the edge of the table with Jay beside him. They’d dragged Chanwoo with them to make you feel bad. “I thought I was being paranoid and then you tried to run from Yunhyeong too.”

You try to stifle an awkward laugh, but all three of them are silent. At least they let you sit at your desk. No Bobby or Hanbin around here. “I haven’t felt well, I guess.”

“You’re lying,” Jay says.

“One hundred percent,” Junhoe continues, “what happened yesterday that was so bad you left early and came in late today?”

Tell them the truth? As if. You strug slowly and look down to the ground.

“Hanbin was looking for you too. I get ignoring us from time to time but what did Hanbin do?”

 _Great._ He must have questions. “I’m not avoiding Hanbin, or any of you. You haven’t done anything.”

“Well we must have because the only person who hasn’t mentioned your whereabouts today is Bobby, so you’re talking to him just fine,” Junhoe tells you. He rolls his eyes and looks over to Chanwoo. “Tell her, she’s unfair.”

Junhoe has never been the best at telling emotions. He knew when it was obvious, but he couldn’t tell that the mention of Bobby’s name had you looking down to the ground which sorrowful eyes. Not on purpose. Out of habit. It’s Jay’s job to work out your emotions.

“You fought?” Jay asks. He narrows his eyes when you catch his gaze for you to answer. He almost seems satisfied when you nod a touch. “That explains why he’s acting like someone spat in his breakfast, too.”

“I thought he might have said.”

Junhoe, unknowing to what you’re actually talking about, takes a step forward and frowns at both of you. “Would you be _so_ kind as to tell Chanwoo and I what’s going on?”

Sometimes ignoring him was the best medicine.

“He doesn’t tell us anything about you guys ever since June brought up last halloween,” Jay says, shrugging similarly to how you had done earlier. He flashes Junhoe a _shut up_ glare and carries on. “So what happened then?”

You roll your eyes comically. “Nothing, really. It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters enough for you to wish you weren’t here.”

Junhoe nods. “What happened?”

“Nothing, I just told you guys—”

“Please?” Chanwoo asks. He pouts a little, probably much to the instructions Jay and Junhoe had given him before they saw you. “We only want to help.”

You hum, doubting they could really expect what you’re going to say. “You really want to know so badly?”

 _You wouldn’t tell them the truth, anyway. Just a part of it_. All three eager nods give you an answer good enough to tell the tale of yesterday.

“We broke up,” you state, “yesterday.”

The silence in the room isn’t broken. Jay, Junhoe and Chanwoo are staring at you like you had spoken Cantonese to them and they were trying to process what it sounded like to work _something_ out. There was nothing foreign about this whole thing to you, though.

Junhoe is the first to speak. Well - he doesn’t speak. He laughs it all out and expects the others to join in as well. When they don’t, he coughs to cover his laughs and stops altogether. “You’re, _uh_ , joking right?”

You shake your head.

It’s silent again, which you’re thankful for. You didn’t exactly want the sympathy stares but you knew they would come, mostly because you were friends with them because of Bobby (who you needed to stop referring to as your _boyfriend_ since he _wasn’t_ ). You would have prefered to tell them in a better way, or Bobby do it himself. At least now you didn’t have to explain the whole reason you felt a thousand times worse was because of Hanbin being in your bed this morning.

“ _Shit_ ,” Jay says softly. He sums up the whole situation pretty well for you.

•~•~•~•

It’s been three days since, _you know_.

Surprisingly, things had gone your way. Only to the degree that Hanbin hadn’t messaged you and neither had Bobby, not as far as work itself and every other aspect of your life. You had a pile of work to go through and check no one was violating any laws with their employee contracts, your tea had gone cold and you’d found a used condom in your bin earlier and felt mortified.

At least the two of you had been safe!

It was the only silver lining ever coming out of anything that day.

Fortunately enough, you’d enjoyed the day at home because Kassy decided your office was too stressful. Builders were replacing the windows and it was hard to work, so you could now do it on your couch at home. It would have usually been your bed but you couldn’t even sleep there, let alone _work_ there.

Every time you looked at the bed, you were transported into some other reality. The first of which you never spoke to Hanbin and you just cried it out and this never happened. The second, and more likely, is that Hanbin finally fronts you and Bobby finds out and you have to move to another country because you owe him more than an apology.

As much as you try to convince yourself that there is no _way_ you would have slept with him, that it was a mistake and you just fell asleep naked beside him, there’s no _fucking way_. It’s impossible. Especially now you had evidence. So you were facing a situation you had no idea how to deal with.

And your phone is ringing, not that you’ve heard it over your headphones.

It’s rang three times now.

Thankfully you notice when skipping between songs, though when you turn over your phone you wish you never _did_ notice. A sigh and answer button later, you’re speaking to the very last person you wanted to talk to in all of this.

“Hi.”

“I have some stuff to give to you,” Bobby says. His lack of a greeting isn’t surprising, it would take a few days, maybe a week or two, for him to cool down. “It’s at your door. I’m not staying.”

“I’ll be there in—”

He hangs up before you can answer.

Well, the conversation wasn’t as bad as it could have been you guess. The only way it could have been worse is if he did actually want to talk to you - but at least with Bobby like this the plan for you was simple. He didn’t want to talk to you, you couldn’t tell him anything.

Discarding your work and your headphones, you end up at your door looking down at a bag of clothes and some other bits you had left with Bobby. He did the same thing last time, so you don’t even bother looking through the bag and leave it in the hallway of your apartment to check when you have it in you.

Last time he filled the bag with things of his too. Just to make you feel bad, you guess. It was the most Bobby-like thing Bobby could have done. Make you apologise, just like before, and sort everything out.

You don’t get much chance to ponder over the true meaning of what he’s given you, because your phone is ringing again. Must be popular today. Fortunately enough it’s not another downer on your mood, it’s Haeun. She found out about you and Bobby just after Jay, Junhoe and Chanwoo and had been there to support you.

She had helped you out just enough as a shoulder to cry on to convince you that you considered spilling all to her yesterday night over the bottle of wine you’d picked up on the way home. You had decided not to, as nice as having a secret shared with another person would be, it wasn’t right for her to known. Not until you’d spoken to Hanbin.

Which was going to be soon, by the way things had been heading.

“Take a year to answer, why don’t you,” Haeun says, sighing after you had greeted her. You know she’ll continue so you don’t answer her yet. “I know Kassy let you work from home and to be honest, it annoyed me. That’s why I’m ringing you, to annoy you back. I have Hanbin here and he wants to speak to you.”

You frown. “He has my number.”

“Oh I know,” she states. You can almost see her smug smile through the phone.

“Then why are you telling me he’s looking for me? He hasn’t tried to call or text me?”

Haeun hums, and in the background you think you can hear a door being shut. “I know he does. He just came up here looking for you and I remembered that yesterday you were looking at something about him so I was wondering what was going on between the two of you.”

“Nothing is.”

“Shall I tell him your address?”

“Seriously Haeun, nothing has gone on,” you tell her. It felt bad lying to her, imagine what it would be like with someone else. Junhoe and Jay would not make this easy. “He’s close to Bobby and he’s probably said something you know. If he thought I was at work then it’s easier to talk face to face right?”

You were only looking at his sns yesterday to get an idea for how he was acting recently. Jeez.

“Are you sure?”

You roll your eyes as you pick up your juice. “Hanbin is your bias in ikon, I know you’re jealous he wants to talk to me instead—”

“It’s Yunhyeong!” She exclaims, her accent becoming a little more prominent with her expression. What is it with people cutting you off today? Maybe you deserve it. Probably deserve it. “Can you not just text him and check everything is okay? Would he really have tried to find you just to get your side of the story on all of this?”

“Well, it kind of is his job as their leader I guess. So maybe. I don’t know.”

“Just text him and sort something out or I’ll get you some more work to do this weekend,” Haeun tells you.

Talking to Hanbin isn’t going to wait any longer, then.

•~•~•~•

“Do you want some coffee?”

You follow Hanbin’s question with a confused glance. He’s noticed the mug in your hand already, so you’re not entirely sure what he’s asking you now. He looks a little lost, maybe more lost than you are. Maybe you’re telling yourself that to make yourself feel better. Probably.

“I mean, uh…” Hanbin catches your mug, _again_ , smiling awkwardly. “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say.”

“I guess I should say thank you for making sure I didn’t get killed or sold into the black market. Knew I could count on you.”

Hanbin doesn’t find anything funny about your dry humour. He stares at you sadly, lips turned down with his arms pressed against the table. “This is serious.”

“I know it’s serious, Hanbin,” you state. You look over to the window and bite down your back teeth, attempting not to roll your eyes at him. “You said you didn’t know what to say. So I said something. What else do you want me to do? Make things even more awkward?”

Really, you and Hanbin are in a very similar situation. Except, maybe Bobby doesn’t hate him and his entire being already because of a stupid argument. You can’t even remember what started it, which was annoying because you wouldn’t even be able to make an apology for all of this.

Hanbin is his friend, and they’re pretty close. You’re not sure exactly how it works but if Haeun had done what Hanbin did to Bobby then you’d be pretty mad and she’s not even your _best_ friend. So you’re not sure how Hanbin is so calm. Maybe he hasn’t pieced together anything.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Hanbin crosses his arms over his chest as he leans back into the chair. “Are you okay?”

You hum, softening your expression a little. “I guess.”

“Junhoe said you were avoiding him,” Hanbin says. He sighs, rolling his eyes, most probably because you’d complained before about how persistant Junhoe could be sometimes. He never did get the message. “I told him to leave you alone for a while. I hope that’s okay.”

“It helps me out a lot,” you answer.

“I haven’t said anything to Bobby.”

“Me neither,” you say softly. Judging by the look Hanbin gives you he’s not entirely sure how to tell Bobby. _You_ can’t think of any way to tell him. “I don’t really know what to say to him. He called me yesterday but didn’t exactly give me a chance to speak to him, just wanted me to know he left some stuff at more door. He’s still pissed.”

Hanbin hums, looking down to his phone. From what you can see from a little peek at his screen, there’s a message from Bobby already. Hanbin locks his phone and pushes it to the side. “I guess it’s a little easier for you to avoid him when he’s avoiding you too.”

“Yeah. I suppose it’s hard for you not to tell him.”

“I wouldn’t have said anything to him without talking to you first.” Hanbin pushes his hair back gently. “It was an accident right?”

You raise your eyebrow. “In what way?”

“Like, you don’t have feelings towards me? You never wanted this to actually happen?”

“Hanbin, I was really drunk and so were you,” you state. You feel bad, brushing off his questions so easily because he’s still your friend and you do care about him. It’s almost impossible not to care about him at all. You see him so often that he’s a part of your family now. “It was a mistake and it shouldn’t have happened. But it did and we have to live with it. I can’t remember anything so I haven’t really been thinking about it too much. Bobby and I aren’t even together anymore, so it doesn’t have to be brought up to him. It would cause problems between the two of you and I don’t want that to happen.”

Maybe this was on your mind a bit more than you were suggesting to everyone, even yourself.

Hanbin shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he looks down to the table. “So you’re saying we don’t tell anybody and act like you just cried in my company for the whole night?”

“I’m saying we just don’t say anything to anyone. You’re not lying if you don’t say anything, and no one has asked about it so…”

“Bobby already asked me why I was at yours in the morning,” Hanbin states. He exhales heavily before leaning towards you. “I told him you were upset and had a headache so I brought you some medicine for it. He was pissed at me for just doing that, how do you think he’s going to react if he finds out that I fucking slept with you?”

“Can you not say that out loud?”

Hanbin scoffs loudly. You’re sure some other people are listening, so you’re praying no one recognises his easily recognisable face. “It happened, we can’t just act like it didn’t.”

“No one other than you and I know it did, so let’s keep it that way, alright?” you shake your head and pick up your phone and purse from the table, standing up abruptly. You don’t want to sit here and have this conversation at all, yet alone in public. “I’m going to be late, so I’ll see you around. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Wait...wait.”

“What?” you ask, meeting his eyes.

Hanbin bites down on his lips for a moment before meeting your gaze again. He looks a little saddened, though you’re not exactly surprised. You would be too, and you are because you _do_ care about Bobby - argument or not you still care about him. You love him for gods sake, he’s been your boyfriend for how many years now? As selfish as it sounds to some, it’s easier for him not to lose one of his closest friends over this. No way. Not when they work together.

So when Hanbin agrees finally, it’s like a weight lifted off of your shoulders. _For now._ “I won’t tell anyone. I won’t.”

•~•~•~•

A week after you’d seen Hanbin, you finally get to see one of the others. Not by choice, really, because Junhoe had you cornered in your office with a less than happy look on his face which made you worry that _someone_ had said _something_.

But you could trust Hanbin, right?

_Right?_

“Talk to him,” Junhoe tries to reason. He rolls his eyes as he sits on the corner of your desk with despair coursing through him. “It’s hell working with him. One word and he gets mad at everyone. Please just talk to him.”

“You and I both know that’s not a good idea.”

Junhoe shakes you his head. “No, it is. Trust me.”

“Bobby literally hates me. I don’t have any reason to see him ever again! I don’t particularly want to, either. Come on, Junhoe, reason with me.”

Okay, part of you did want to see Bobby properly. You’d seen him a few times in the corridors and he’d looked away from you quicker than you could clock him properly, but you wanted to sit down with him and check he was definitely okay. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

You never really did think you and Bobby would break up for good, even though everything that happened after did actually...happen.

“I’m not talking about Bobby,” Junhoe says, frowning. He cocks his head to the side slightly. “Bobby seems pissed off too, but Hanbin is a nightmare. No one can talk him out of whatever mood he’s in now, so please can you do it? Just talk to him and see what’s wrong so he doesn’t give us hell every day.”

_Of course it would be Hanbin._

_“_ What do you mean, _Hanbin_?” You ask.

Junhoe sighs, obviously frustrated. He doesn’t know anything right? _Here comes the paranoia._ It was great working here you guess. “No one can get him to be nice. He’s acting like a kid right now. Honestly? You’d think he broke up with you. Not Bobby.”

“But why should I speak to him?”

“Because you’re good at that, right?” Junhoe suggests, “plus I know you went to get lunch together last week. It’s like, since then he’s wanted everyone around him to die or something. And everytime I catch him on his phone during breaks he’s hovering over your contact like a little bitch. Please just talk to him. He obviously wants to talk to you.”

“We’re not that close, June,” you say softly. Junhoe offers you an apologetic look for a brief moment. “Bobby is mad at me, and Hanbin is mad because of it. That’s it. As soon as Bobby gets off his high horse here, we can sort things out and everything will be normal.”

Junhoe rolls his eyes. “God, what did he even say to you that was _that_ bad you don’t want to see him?”

“What? No, I don’t care if I see him or not, he’s avoiding me like the plague because of what he said to me. He fucked up and can’t accept it. I… this whole dating thing was a mistake, you know? Now it’s causing problems between us all.”

“I didn’t mean it like that…” Junhoe pulls the chair from Haeun’s empty desk and sits down gently. He takes your hand in his and smiles as best he can. “Listen, there’s no problems between us all. We’re all close still regardless of your situation with Bobby. From the way he’s acting we all just guessed that you pissed him off.”

You shake your head. You can feel your eyes becoming a little watery. “He told me that the only reason I do so well here is because of him, and people want to impress him so are nice to me. He doesn’t realise that I work my ass off here to do well. People treat me _worse_ because of him. It hurt me, you know?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I don’t want you to apologise. I just think that maybe I should go back to Bobby and apologise because he’s never going to apologise to me. I just want to make this whole situation better because I want to grab lunch with you guys and hang out but it’s impossible like this. Plus, if I try to sort things with Hanbin for you guys it practically ruins everything for Bobby and I. He was annoyed at Hanbin for coming to mine in the morning, I don’t want him to get even more annoyed because… I just don’t know, June. I don’t know what to do with all of this.”

“What if you focus on something else? We can still get lunch and hang out. That doesn’t have to change, you know?” Junhoe tells you. He smiles a bit softer this time. “You and Bobby will work things out eventually. Don’t worry about it for now. He barricades himself in the studio for most of the day and that’s fine for now. It will all be fine.”

You hum. Bobby is right, _right?_ Everything will be fine eventually. “I’ll speak to Hanbin for you, but I can’t promise that it will sort anything out for you.”

“I think it will,” Junhoe says. There’s a look in his eyes you don’t quite understand. “I don’t think you realise how much of an impact you have on Hanbin.”

Your heart races at the comment, and you’re sure Junhoe realises. You try to not react to his statement too much. “What do you mean by that?”

“I just mean he wants to get closer to you. He said to me once that he never knew what to say to you and it made things between you kinda awkward. I think he realises that you’re _friends_ with everyone else and he’s kind of left out. If you make an effort, it will be worthwhile, you know?”

_You guess you’re least closest to Hanbin if you had to pick._

Though you take a moment to think through Junhoe’s words, the pure idea of _not_ being close to Hanbin running through your mind quite strongly considering you’d seen a lot more of him than anyone else in the group (at least, drunk you did), you’re distracted by the very boy’s voice echoing through the room and taking both your and Junhoe’s attention.

 _Now_ you have to explain to Junhoe why, if you’re not that close to Hanbin, he’s at your door right now. He really fucks up some shit for you, right?

“Am I interrupting?” Hanbin asks. He looks tired, stressed at the very least, and definitely like he’s been struggling to sleep. Bobby looked the exact same whilst they were producing the new album. “I can go if you’re busy, it’s not important.”

Junhoe jumps to his feet with a larger than life grin on his lips. _Thank god it’s not Jay, who’s just a touch quicker at realising the smaller things going on_. “No, we’re done. You stay here and talk. I’m going to get some food.”

“But I want food,” you mumble softly.

Luckily Junhoe is the only one who catches your words and shoots you a glare, scurrying off before you can ditch Hanbin too and go with him. _No,_ you’re stuck here to listen to Hanbin who clearly wants to talk to you but you have no idea what about because the most attention he’s given you in the past week is looking awkwardly away from you when you caught his eye at lunch. He was leaving, you were entering, there was no reason to talk there. At least you didn’t think there was.

“If you were busy, I can go,” Hanbin repeats, standing where Junhoe had previously been. Your computer screen is open with some pages you were redacting but you’d long ago given up on that. “I just… need to talk to someone.”

You furrow your brows at his words. “What about?”

“I don’t know,” he tells you.

“Well it must be something,” you say softly. You feel bad for him, but you know you can’t help. You don’t know a thing about him aside from what Bobby has told you. But you guess that’s the problem here. “What can’t you talk to Jay or even Yunhyeong about?”

Hanbin sighs. “You know exactly what it is.”

 _“Oh_.”

“I can’t talk to Bobby because I’m worried that I’ll tell him and we fuck up everything you know?” Hanbin says. He sits down on the chair and throws his fingers back through his hair, sighing once more. “It’s not just about him and I being friends, it’s about you and it’s about this group and… there’s more to it than you and I sleeping together. There’s too many feelings.”

“Do you want me to tell him?” you ask.

Hanbin looks up to you with wide eyes. He’s as fearful as you were last week - perhaps his feelings are a week behind and he’ll get to where you are soon. You’re not sure. Do guys feel the same way? Does he regret things as much as you? There were so many questions you wouldn’t dare to ask him, _ever_. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Then what did you mean?” you question, crossing your arms over your chest. “It happened and there’s nothing either of us can change. Bobby will find out eventually and one of us will have to take the blame and… I care about you all too much to say it’s your fault. I took advantage of you being there for me. I used you to get back at Bobby. You just happened to be the person I used.”

“That’s how you feel about it?”

You shake your head. “Honestly, Hanbin, I can’t even remember my fourth drink that night. I have no idea what happened between us. But if Bobby was to ever find out, that’s what happened. Because I imagine that’s what went through my head.”

“But it’s not true.”

“How do you know that?” Hanbin meets your eyes but immediately look away. Honestly, you’re confused by what he wants you to say. It feels like he wants to admit something but he doesn’t know how to. Honestly, you’re not sure what to think here. “Listen, neither of us know what or how or _why_ everything happened, so why are you worried what I have to say? I’m telling you why I _think_ it happened, and that’s the most appropriate right now.”

Hanbin looks blankly at the floor for a moment. Though you watch him carefully, he’s still so hard to read. He’s not like Bobby who you can practically learn everything about in a matter of seconds. He’s not like Junhoe who will just tell you how he feels and get it over with. Hanbin keeps it all in and acts like there’s not a care in the world. It’s scary not to know how he feels. It’s scary not to know why he’s staring at the ground like _that._

“You don’t think I played a part in it at all?” Hanbin asks.

You raise a brow. “Why would you?”

“I’m not sure,” Hanbin answers. He takes a moment to glance over at your screen before looking over at the door. “You look busy so, I’m going to go now. I’ll talk to you later or something.”

“You’re not leaving, Hanbin.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not done here,” you tell him. He looks ready to sprint out of here but you place a hand on his shoulder and make sure to show him that you don’t want him to leave yet with the tips of your fingers and part of your nail digging into him a little. “Why would you have a part in everything? You’re Bobby’s friend, you don’t have a problem with him, so why would that have been your fault?”

•~•~•~•

“He’s just really, _really_ frustrating.” Your voice sounds a little louder than the TV which plays in the background, your words meant to reach Haeun who’s in the kitchen making tea. Her new _diet_ means she can only drink tea for breakfast and since she stayed at yours last night, your Saturday morning is now not so boring. “Like, he gives me such weirdly phrased texts. He’ll text me to see if I’m okay in the evenings but instead of saying like, _make sure you’ve eaten_ , he just says _eat dinner_ and will leave me on read when I reply. He’s so _weird_.”

“That’s why he’s not my bias in IKON,” Haeun replies from the kitchen.

“But should I just blank him?”

“Blank him?” you’re left in silence for a moment until Haeun appears from the kitchen with a dim smile on her lips. “I don’t believe you could blank him for even a second. You’re in love with him and that makes anything to do with ignoring him _hard_ for you.”

“I highly doubt that Bobby is still in love with me, though.”

 _Yes_ , Bobby had snapped out of his victim complex and text you for the first time again. He wasn’t exactly _nice_ , but it was better than being ignored - you got to talk to him like he was your boyfriend before. There wasn’t any distance, except there was - you still had the lingering thought at the back of your mind that, _even though you didn’t exactly cheat on him because you weren’t together_ , you cheated on him with his closest friend.

Hanbin hasn’t been great either.

“You’ll be surprised,” Haeun tells you. She emerges with a cup of tea in her hands and approaches you, setting the cup down on your coffee table and sitting beside you. “I overheard him talking to someone about you, actually.”

“Talking to who?”

Haeun rolls her eyes. “Why is that the most important piece of information to you? Listen. He said that he regrets what happened, but he’s afraid of approaching you. He’s a _guy_. Guys are awkward at stuff like this. He still loves you.”

“But I don’t know if I really forgive him for what happened.”

“I guess what he said was pretty shitty,” Haeun shrugs as she brings her knees to her chest, “but if you can forgive him for this then he can forgive you for anything else in the future that’s equally as bad. It’s like a free pass to, _I don’t know,_ experience someone other than him. Have a threesome with Junhoe. Something he would hate.”

“What makes you assume he would _have_ to hate something sexual?” you ask her.

Haeun, a self proclaimed genius, smiles softly. She knows what she means, and at the forefront of your thoughts is the one telling you he _has_ to forgive you for what happened with Hanbin. _You hope_ . Maybe Hanbin was a little far fetched. “This is Bobby we’re talking about. He didn’t even like it at the Christmas party when Mino looked at you in a _more than friendly_ manner, and we both know that Mino wouldn’t go that far with you. My case is made - he will have to give you a free pass in that aspect for really insulting you where it hurt.”

“But I don’t want a free pass.”

“You don’t want a threesome with Junhoe?”

You remain emotionless. “No, I don’t.”

“You don’t want to try out someone else?”

Again, you don’t crack a smile. You can’t find it in you to get any humour out of her words like she expected - there’s far more going on than she knew about. “I don’t want anything like that. I don’t want to do that to Bobby, I guess.”

 _Not again,_ actually. You didn’t exactly want to do it to him to begin with but you had to live with it, for now anyway. Just until you really had to say something to Bobby and ensure for the rest of eternity he would hate you. There wasn’t even an appropriate time to say something to him, it would be one of those _in the moment_ things and that scared you the most.

Haeun is silent, not happy that you took her words seriously. You end up staring over at the TV until you see your phone vibrating over and over, and you’re curious to investigate. Usually you only get spammed by Junhoe, but you definitely hadn’t seen his name.

 **_Jay_ ** _has added you to the group chat ‘_ **_한빈의 새일파티_ ** _’_

 **_Jay:_ ** _No one has done any prep for Hanbin’s birthday_

 **_Jay:_ ** _so I have taken it upon myself to make the plans_

 **_Jay:_ ** _I hate you all, i bet you forgot it was his birthday_

 **_Junhoe:_ ** _I didnt forget_

 **_Yunhyeong:_ ** _Neither did i, we have been discussing in person_

 **_Jay:_ ** _not with me_

 **_Jay:_ ** _@y/n has anyone planned anything with you_

 **_Donghyuk:_ ** _why would she know?_

 **_Jay:_ ** _because she’s friends with hanbin and deserves to know_

 **_Junhoe:_ ** _she won’t rat us out_

 **_Jay:_ ** _you ratted yourself out. Can we please discuss this?_

 **_Bobby:_ ** _i just think he wanted to spend it alone, actually_

 **_Bobby:_ ** _that’s what he told me_

 **_Chanwoo:_ ** _he’s an adult now we don’t need to surprise him_

 **_Jay:_ ** _we do._

 **_Junhoe:_ ** _you’ve annoyed him now_

 **_Jay:_ ** _what did you discuss in person about his birthday, Junhoe?_

 **_Chanwoo:_ ** _you’ve annoyed him now :)_

 **_Bobby:_ ** _get him a card and a cake and be done with it, you know he won’t like that much attention_

 **_Jay:_ ** _there’s no fun in that_

 **_Bobby:_ ** _it will be the most convenient way to celebrate his birthday without causing a fuss_

 **_Yunhyeong:_ ** _why don’t we throw a small surprise party?_

 **_Junhoe:_ ** _how small??_

 **_Yunhyeong:_ ** _us, maybe some others. No more than 15_

 **_Donghyuk:_ ** _and we do it at home too?_

 **_Jay:_ ** _it’s not too flashy_

 **_Bobby:_ ** _I still don’t think he’d like it_

 **_Junhoe:_ ** _you’re not judging this_

 **_Junhoe:_ ** _what do you think @y/n? Since you’re the only one who clearly hasn’t done any planning_

Well no shit Junhoe, you didn’t even remember that it was Hanbin’s birthday really that soon. You’d pushed it right to the back of your thoughts on the premise that you’d be avoiding everything Hanbin related for a while - including the rest of IKON.  

You ignore the message anyway and let the bickering continue on between them, who has and hasn’t done what. You get some messages privately from Junhoe about a joint gift coming from you both and you agree because Bobby did always say he wanted a new steamer and Junhoe found a pretty good, but really expensive, brand he would like.

Yeah, you didn’t really want to think about Hanbin right now.

Mostly it was because you didn’t like the idea of a party with him - you were very clear on what happened the last time you two were drunk together and you didn’t want a repeat. You guess that it is unlikely the same will happen, but your luck seems to fade away quicker than anything else these days so you don’t hold anything to it.

I mean, Hanbin has a lot of thoughts he doesn’t share and judging by how he acts around you sometimes there’s a good chance that _you_ are one of those thoughts too.

 _Anyway_.

“If I go to Hanbin’s birthday party, will you come?” you ask Haeun.

She waits for a moment, deciding her phone is more important before looking back up to you. “Depends. When is it?”

“October 22nd. I don’t want to go alone.”

You think, for just a second, Haeun will be your knight in shining armour and come with you to the party so you don’t have anyone hanging around you all night. You think that _maybe_ , just maybe, you’ll get out of this one and you’ll have a good time.

Didn’t you just realise your luck was never going that way? Of course she has a date night already planned with the guy she’s been seeing.

•~•~•~•

“You look really nice,” Hanbin says softly. You’d missed him walking out here, you’d missed him creeping up behind you and shutting the door to the party inside. You do now, however, meet his eyes with contentment and smile. “Why aren’t you with Bobby? I doubt he’d want to leave you alone with people like Zico here.”

You stifle a laugh as you look back over the lit streets of Seoul. “Bobby didn’t even say hello.”

“Neither did I, to be honest.”

He’s not lying, you’d shrugged off Hanbin’s lack of response because so many people wanted to speak to him and wish him a happy birthday. You’d spent most of the night with Junhoe and Jay, taking care of Junhoe because he _already_ drunk too much, when you were joined by Bobby who ignored you completely to speak to Jay and you decided to walk out. You thought it was Bobby’s eyes on you as you left but you guess not now.

“I meant to say you look beautiful,” Hanbin corrects himself. He stands beside you, resting his crossed arms on the railing.

“I meant to say happy birthday, too. I hope this wasn’t too much,” you answer him. You try to ignore his comment but it lingers in your mind for a while. Hanbin’s being nice, surely. He has too, it’s his party. You have to entertain the guests well. “Junhoe and I did a joint gift, I hope you like it. He came up with the idea.”

Hanbin nods once, looking away from you and back to the lights. You can only see him from the corner of your eyes but there’s something on his mind. You partially wish he wouldn’t tell you, that he’d keep it a secret which you’d never know and never have to worry about at all.

But things don’t go your way, do they?

“Why have you been avoiding me recently?”

You don’t react like you’re surprised he noticed. You put your phone on do not disturb as an excuse to miss his calls. “Why did you become so close to me all of a sudden? We barely spoke.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Want to take a guess how I became so close to you?” Hanbin questions. He looks you dead in the eyes and it sends a shiver down your spine. “Seriously? How can you ask me something like that. We’ve barely even spoken about what happened. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”

“I can if it makes things easier.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes, shaking his head as he looks away from you. “I don’t know if you’re stupid or what.”

“ _Or what_ ,” you answer, bringing a hand to your hair. You run your fingers through the roots and sigh. Hanbin is watching you intently. “What is it that you haven’t told me about that night? That you remember it better than me?”

He shakes his head again. “I don’t remember a thing, just wanting to throw up in the middle of the night.”

“Thank god you didn’t. I probably would have thrown up too.”

Hanbin’s wearing such casual clothes. You remember the top because he was wearing it that night too, at least that’s what was on your floor. His hair isn’t styled well, he’s definitely been trying to run his fingers through it too much, too. His eyes are wide and you want to know what he has to say. It’s almost as if he’s scared to tell you.

“What is it then? What haven’t you told me?” you question him.

“Once I tell you, you can’t act like I never said it.” Hanbin takes a deep breath as he turns to you. You look back to him, confused, but nod in agreement. “You won’t blank me even more or block my number to avoid me. Because you wanted me to tell you.”

You nod again. Crossing your arms over your chest, you take a step back from the railing. Your heels are pressed together and the cold air pushes your hair with it, breeze causing you to shiver. “Alright, tell me. I won’t do any of that.”

“Promise?”

“I mean…” Hanbin holds out his little finger for you to link with. You can’t help but smile at his gesture, doing as he requests. “Sure. I promise I won’t block your number or blank you even more.”

Hanbin hums contently. He pauses for a moment to look back at the door, but turns to you a second later. “I don’t think it was a mistake.”

“Like…” you follow his trail back to the door. The glass means that you can see everyone inside and you can also see that Bobby’s currently in some contest with Junhoe, meaning he wasn’t going to come outside looking of Hanbin. Maybe this was the best time to talk about this. “You think we did it on purpose? You know we were both drunk as _hell,_ right? Neither of us really could have asked for it to happen.”

“Yeah I know. But I think there was more to it than just it accidentally happening because you were sad, I was lonely, and we were both drunk.”

You hold back from laughing at his words. He’s not serious, right? There’s one thing you think he’s implying and it really is laughable. “Are you implying that I’ve fallen in love with you, Kim Hanbin?”

“No,” Hanbin states. He shakes his head as he turns around and leans back against the metal railing, bowing his head a little. “You really are stupid, huh?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does!” you stand directly in front of Hanbin and place your hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look up from the ground and to you. You take one deep breath and exhale sharply, offering Hanbin the most passive aggressive of smiles. “Listen to me. You just told me you had something to tell me so you can’t go all cryptic on my ass. Tell me what the fuck you’re thinking or I swear to god I will cause a scene inside. I’ve done it with Bobby, don’t you think I won’t do it with you.”

Hanbin mumbles something under his breath, you think he says _fine_ but you’re not entirely sure. You expect him to push your hand off his shoulder but he doesn’t, he looks you directly in the eyes and swallows whatever pride was left. “I think I’m in love with you.”

“Me?” you repeat. Your mind goes blank and it’s really the only word that comes to mind. Of all the things Hanbin could have said, he _had_ to say that. _Fuck._

“Do you not remember before you and Bobby got together? He would follow you around like a lost puppy because he wanted to impress you with absolutely anything he could do. You never noticed! You didn’t know his feelings and I don’t think you realise how I feel either because you’ve completely blocked it out!” Hanbin looks frustrated. He throws his arms around as he’s speaking. “I know, it’s stupid. I’m a bad friend. I always wanted what you and Bobby had and no matter what I did I realised that it wasn’t a relationship I wanted, it was you. I wanted to be in Bobby’s position because you are… you’re special. I can’t describe it, but there’s something about you which draws me in and no matter what I do I can’t get you out of my head. I know you’re Bobby’s girlfriend, _ex_ , whatever. I promise you that when I found you that day I didn’t have any selfish intentions. I wanted you to be okay and I don’t know what happened that night that caused us both to end up in the position we did but if anyone had any influence on it, then it was me.”

The silence that looms between you is suffocating. You’re both staring at each other, neither of you dares to look away and it falls on you to decide how to continue.

You really never, _ever_ , noticed a thing. You don’t even recall a time when you and Hanbin were that close to see his feelings up close. He wouldn’t lie, though. This isn’t Hanbin covering his own ass by telling you some bullshit story for why you slept together. No, _no_. This makes things worse and by the look in his eyes you can tell that he knows it.

“You can’t blame yourself,” you tell him, looking away from him and to the lights behind.

You attempt to pull your hand away from him, but Hanbin catches it and brings you closer to him. He’s so close that you can hear his breathing. His hand is slightly clammy but it doesn’t distract him. “I’m sorry that it had to happen this way.”

“Dude!” you pull yourself back from Hanbin at the sound of Junhoe’s voice. One glance at him and you know he’s questioning you both but you hope he’s drunk enough to forget this by tomorrow. As you already established, things don’t _exactly_ go your way though. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you, why are you out here?”

Hanbin laughs and crosses his arms over his chest. “We were talking about work.”

“You’re kidding,” Junhoe says. He narrows his eyes at the both of you before turning around to see who’s near to him. He gestures for someone to come outside but you don’t see who.

As it turns out, it’s Bobby. He looks between you and Hanbin for a moment before turning his _full_ attention to Hanbin and giving him a disappointed look. “Are you coming in or what?”

Hanbin offers you an apologetic look before he leaves. But it’s fine. You figure being on your own, away from him and Bobby and everyone else, is for the best. Especially now.

•~•~•~•

Somehow you manage to avoid all contact with IKON and anything related to them for three days after the party. It must have been some kind of record they’d set since whenever something like _that_ happens each and every one of them would be jumping to find the latest set of gossip.

You’d told Jay you had a headache about ten minutes after Hanbin bared all to you, and you just went home and sat there for about an hour to _think_ . It led you to one final thought of _I need a new job_ with a side helping of _I need some new friends, too_.

You assume that Jay had kept Junhoe away from you, or Hanbin had come up with some excuse as to why you weren’t at work when they came looking. Actually, one of them did contact you but you didn’t think much of it because you had someone else on your mind. Bobby messaged to see where you were and you just said at word because you were.

According to Haeun, each of them came in to look for you and each time were turned away empty handed. You’d landed a new office on the ground floor since you were helping out HR with some legal queries and needed to spend as much time with them as possible. No one else knew this, thank god.

So you had made the luckiest escape for three days, and ended up bumping straight into Junhoe (the one who you needed to avoid the most, actually) in a cafe when you were on a break and ended up sitting with him as he bombarded you with questions that everyone wanted to know the answer to.

“But why were you out there with him?” Junhoe asks, raising a brow. He doesn’t give you a chance to answer and carries on regardless. “You were holding his hand, right? I know I had some drinks but I remember that. Whatever you guys were talking about seemed pretty important if I take a guess. So what was it?”

You shrug. “It’s nothing. We were talking.”

“Don’t give me that, I know you’re lying.”

“It’s not important,” you tell him.

“It is if I think it is,” Junhoe states. He picks up his frappe and sucks on the straw whilst staring inqusitively towards you. “Something has been going on for a while since you and Bobby broke up. I want to know what’s happened between you and Hanbin. Don’t tell me nothing, because it’s so obvious that even _Chan_ asked me if he missed something. So tell me now or I’ll tell the others to come and join us.”

Maybe Junhoe is smarter than you give him credit for.

“You can’t blackmail me with that.”

Junhoe shrugs again. He picks up his phone and unlocks it, smirk on his lips. “I think Hanbin has a few questions to ask you too. I wonder what Bobby has to say, as well?”

“Fine!” You sigh, looking over to the window at the passers-by and close your eyes. A rewind of the past months would have been appreciated. “Hanbin and I were talking about…Hanbin and I. It wasn’t anything too complicated. We were talking.”

“So Bobby’s ex-girlfriend and Bobby’s best friend spend a lot of time alone together?”

It’s hard not to imagine Junhoe’s voice replaced with that of one of the Bobby fangirls around the world. It sucks.

“We’re friends,” you tell Junhoe. It begins to sound like you’re convincing yourself more than anything. “What’s wrong with us spending time together _once_ on a balcony?”

Junhoe proceeds to shake his head at your words, expressing his distaste with kiss of his teeth. “You expect me to believe that you spent time together just _once_?”

“Well, yeah. That’s what I’m telling you happened. We’re friends. We were talking normally and you’re making a bigger thing of this than what it actually is so--”

“He told me.”

You pause. Your attention turns completely to Junhoe and you question _what the fuck he just means_ . Hanbin told him? Hanbin _fucking_ told him? No, Hanbin wouldn’t. Hanbin is a good guy and he wouldn’t mess you about like that for the sake of being an asshole to you because you didn’t reciprocate his feelings.

Or… maybe he just needed to tell someone?

Sure you had the same feelings. You so badly wanted to tell your good friend Haeun about it, you wanted to scream it every time you saw Bobby to hurt him like he hurt you but you told Hanbin that you wouldn’t and you’re not going to go back on that promise now. But Hanbin must have the same thought process and it might have been by accident.

“It was an accident.”

That’s all you tell him. You can’t bring yourself to explain further, you have a longing to go back home and spend time in bed doing absolutely nothing for yourself. Play video games, listen to sad songs, forget about this group of people _yet again_ because it never does anything good for you anyway.

“An accident?” Junhoe repeats. He takes a moment to think through it before continuing. “How can something like that be an accident? It doesn’t just happen like _that_ , it builds up overtime and it was _going_ to happen and you know that just as well as I do. It wasn’t an accident and you don’t even have the right to say it is!”

“It’s not my fault we slept together! I was sad and Hanbin tried to comfort me but it went the wrong way and neither of us even remember it! I ran out of there quicker than I ever could and I washed the sheets a thousand times because whenever I’m in my room I think about how much I betrayed Bobby but it… it was an accident. No matter what Hanbin says.”

Junhoe, for one of the only times in his life, is silent. He has a blank look on his face which scares you on his own, mind processing again what you’ve just said before he clears his throat and sits closer to the table. His voice is almost shaky. “You what?”

“Hanbin told you!”

“Hanbin told me that he fell in love with you,” Junhoe states. He can remember the entire conversation perfectly because he wanted some help with his lines and went to ask Hanbin and got stuck with Hanbin spilling his heart about what a jerk he was for liking his best friend’s boyfriend. “He... I… Nothing was ever said about you… You slept together!”

Who looks nefarious now?

“Don’t say it so loud.” You realised your mistake as soon as Junhoe took a while to respond, but choose not to act like it was so much of a deal. Well, you think you’re dealing with it well, until your eyes become glassy and you’ve got a tear rolling down your cheek. “I fucked up Junhoe. I really fucked up.”

Junhoe doesn’t agree, which somehow you’re thankful for. He stares at you for a moment before rubbing his own eyes and looking down to the table. “Does anyone else know?”

“You’re the only one I’ve told. I don’t think that Hanbin has told anyone but… I don’t know.”

“Shit.”

Yeah, that’s the best way to put it.

•~•~•~•

“Can we talk?” Hanbin asks.

Your move to HR had ended sooner than you hoped and you ended back up at your desk the next Monday morning, work piling on more than usual too. You expected someone to try and find you but you didn’t expect it to be Hanbin at 9:04am when he doesn’t even need to be here until past 1pm.

“I’m really busy,” you tell him, gesturing to your computer. “Can it wait?”

Hanbin shakes his head, taking a step in the doorway. Luckily you were on your own again which worked out well - no distractions and an easy day of doing what you needed to get done. Everything was starting to work out well, at least you _thought_.

It’s not hard to notice the faded bruise on Hanbin’s cheek when he steps into the light. You frown at the sight of it, confused as to the _when, what, where, why_ and _how_ of the bruise. Hanbin would likely be murdered by whatever manager saw him first but it looked like it happened sometime last week judging by how much it had faded already. So you invite him in and he shuts the door behind him, leaving the events to continue from two weeks before.

“I love you.”

“Hanbin…”

“No,” Hanbin interrupts you as he approaches you, pushing at your shoulder gently so you’ll sit back down in your chair. He leans on your desk and you get the full extent of his injury - someone _definitely_ punched him. You’d seen stuff like that in movies and shows. “I didn’t finish what I was saying on my birthday.”

You nod slowly, looking down to the ground for a moment. “Sorry. I-uh… Continue.”

“Do you remember last year when I fell during training? You know you’re the only person who helped me out right? You would carry my bags and give me lifts to places and it was great. I realised I could trust you. Then when I was fine after you carried on being nice to me and that’s when I started to get jealous of you and Bobby. I thought… that’s what it’s like to be in a relationship. It must be great. I _need_ that in my life. Then I saw that other people aren’t the same as you and Bobby, that your relationship is like what it is because you two are perfect for each other. You’re what everyone wants to be. Yeah you argue but you two together is a masterpiece and it made me so mad because I wanted that too. I wanted someone who would lay with me at night and play with my hair and keep up stupid games with me. I wanted someone like you. I wanted _you_.”

Hanbin takes a breath to look over you. He smiles softly, but regretfully. You start to think back to when you two were closer, when you both spent a lot of time together but mostly with Bobby there too. You both weren’t shy of affection, you’d hold hands and you’d say dumb stuff to each other which was enough to make anyone love sick from the outside. You and Hanbin grew apart because you made other friends who weren’t friends with Bobby and you didn’t end up spending every hour of the day with him.

“I realised that you were off limits a long time ago. That’s why I distanced myself and I noticed you doing the same too, so I thought you realised that I liked you. I mean, I’m sure Bobby realised too. I thought you all knew. I was wrong and I feel stupid about it though because it’s my fault that all of this happened. Yeah, we were drunk, but every time I’ve been drunk before I always go back to how I felt about you and I realise now that _no_ , I never fell out of love with you. As much as I wish I would have. I know you wouldn’t have done it on purpose to hurt Bobby and he deserved to know that. You two deserve to be back together because that’s the way it always should have been.”

It takes you a moment.

You never realised that Hanbin distanced himself from you too. You were busy with your relationship and other friends to realise. You just put it down to not seeing anyone from the group, you assumed that it was just because of their schedules and moved on with it. As it turns out, like in most cases, that’s never the answer here.

But Bobby deserved to know?

“You told him?”

Hanbin swallows harshly. “I told him that I took advantage of you being drunk because I was in love with you before. This isn’t something that you can just keep quiet this whole time, it needs to be said to him because it’s driving you two apart and that’s the _one_ thing I don’t want.”

“And he did that?” you ask, gesturing to his face.

“He was angry,” Hanbin states, laughing to himself, “I mean, you could have guessed that already, couldn’t you? This is Bobby we’re talking about.”

You shake your head, looking down at the floor again. “I hate to break it to you, but it’s all in vain. He hasn’t spoken to me. He _won’t_ speak to me because this is Bobby and he’ll never forgive me for this, whether you take the blame or not.”

“That doesn’t mean he won’t talk to you ever though!” Hanbin is frustrated again and you can tell. Even Junhoe would be able to tell. You wonder if Junhoe already said something to Hanbin, you hope not. “Talk to him. Sort out your relationship and forget I ever told you what I did. We can’t change the past but we can stop living in it. So just… forget it. Forget everything I said.”

And he walks away like that.

Maybe it’s because you feel bad, maybe it’s because you realise that patching things up with Bobby won’t happen - at least, not without a whole load of effort that you aren’t willing to face right now. Maybe it’s because you don’t like that Hanbin suffered for you and won’t get anything out of it.

Because facing anyone, especially Bobby, alone is not what you want. You don’t think you’d feasibly make it through the whole ordeal without breaking down once or twice and you tell yourself that of anyone who has to go through it with you, pick someone who was as close to Bobby as you were.

“Wait, Hanbin.”

He turns around, almost at the door, and looks back to you with wide eyes. You do feel bad for him, you don’t know if there’s anything else remotely there feelings wise but you’re also _numb_ . You can’t take that away from yourself. The fact he’s there and _understands_ means more to you than it should.

“Don’t I get to tell you how I feel, too?”

  


**Author's Note:**

> I know I keep plugging this but help a gal out if you can? pls don't go against beliefs you have and don't do it if you can't afford it etc but I am doing tarot readings if you're interested! https://www.fiverr.com/stellexerunt/read-your-future-with-tarot-cards


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